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I'm stressed a lot for how my life will pan out, mostly regarding finding work. It's hard to deny that I'm skilled, I've worked for the better part of the past 4 years to get to this level, but I'm always scared about how I'll find the right application.
I know a lot of my skill lies in environmental design. I can make a very pleasing setting, with realistic architecture and convincing nature. Beyond that, I can illustrate well, telling solid stories through my drawings.
But I don't always know where to turn, who to show my work to, who will help jumpstart my career. My mah wants me to take architecture classes, learning sketchup and CAD so I can help her in her own field, and my dad is always trying to connect me to successful creatives I know. And yet I am still stressed at the idea of reaching out, but I want to and need to. Money is vital these days, and I want independence. Oh well.
I guess I'm waiting still for someone to take me out of this, and the crushing weight that that someone is only me.
Maybe part of this comes from my affinity to be constantly unsettled: If my location keeps shifting, if my affinities keep shiting, I don't have enough time to actually sit down, take roots, and rest. I don't have to carry out any obligations to the people around me, because I know that in a year or twos time, they will be replaced by someone new.
I never have to be part of something more than myself; my expectations are kept low and my possibilities endless. I could pack up and leave now if I wanted, just due to the sheer disconnect I have, due to my general lack of community.
The friends are have are not constant positions either… I don't think they should be, but it puts us all on some kind of level ground. Except I still feel a lot further than they seem to each other. Oh well. I'll find somewhere.
My mah sent me a video of my grandfather recently. It's nothing special, just a minute long segment that focuses more on my grandmother than anything. He barely acknowledges the camera, only pointing it out for my grandmother to look into.
He died years before I was born and that crushes me, a little. I'll never know this man who meant so much to my family, I'll never know his voice. I tried to pick it out of the melange of sound from the video, but ended up getting only a glance.
I think a lot about not wanting/ being able to have children. I feel a little bit of guilt of ending something that man help to form. I wish I knew him.
In that short segment I pick apart the ethics and feelings connected to ever movement he makes, ever glance my grandmother passes. Because I didn't know him, I try to shape a whole person from fleeting clips; scrutinizing them and coming away… miserable. I can't get a full picture, and it feel like this tiny clip can only fail me. I want him to turn to me and give me an answer, say the exact words I need to make it all make sense, to make it all ok… but they never come.
I had a horribly eventful week this week. So, monday, my bag is stolen out of the gym. That sucks, nothing in it was very valuable but it had my nearly-full sketchbook and my laptop that I need to do my classes. Really bad. So I spend most of the week suffering over that, calling people, trying to find it, recording my stolen stuff
Then on Wednesday when I'm checking the gym once again to see if they've found it… they have it. No explanation no reason. Nothin. Whatever, I don't look a gift horse in the mouth, I have my shit back
Anyways, I noticed on Tuesday that my allergies were extra bad. Turns out it wasn't allergies, I was just sick. I power through class on Wednesday and somehow Thursday, don't have any on Friday so I dodged a bullet. Thursday and Friday I am sick as a dog, really just suffering through it.
Anyways. Shitty week. Next one will be better… I had to drop a class because of the stolen laptop (can't un-drop it once I got it back but WHATEVER.) so I will have a lot of free time for the rest of the semester to do my random side projects, including further fleshing out this website. Cool
I went out and bought myself a shitty little point-and-shoot camera as a treat. I've never liked taking photographs because taking pictures on the phones feels soulless, so I'm trying to remedy that with this little thing. It's a Sony Cyber-shot DSC-P71, was manufactured 23 years ago, and is in ridiculously good condition. It can take about 47 photos before I need to upload them to my computer, and they're decent quality. I like the way they look… I just need to get better at holding my camera steady because some of them came out a little blurry.
Included before is a few I like. I may throw together a photography section of this site.
Well, college has officially been back in session for an entire week. One of ten done. My schedule feels very manageable this semester -I am a freshman so I'm mostly doing pretty basic introductory courses or my GEs. I have a decent bit of reading to do between sociology, anthropology, and art history, but I like those subjects and like academic reading so it's all alright. I only have one art course this semester, but I like the prof and she seems to like me so it should be fine
I'm hoping that I will have enough time/drive to work on my personal practice this semester. I am always so scared that my focus is slipping, and while college is helping my art grow and develop, I feel like I don't do enough art between my classes and personal time. I know I just need to push through it a bit more and focus, as well as making sure I stick to my practice. I just wish I could fully dedicate myself to art, but oh well, maybe later when I switch school.
Below is attached something I had to do for my Drawing I course
I recently got into a conversation about Beksinski, how much I love his photography and paintings, and I slowly drifted towards thinking about his 3D art. I've never heard much of anything good about it from other people. They either don't like it, think it is weird, garish, whatever. They like his paintings more and that sucks.
It gets me thinking about artist-consumer relationships in general, and the negative association people (and algorithms) have with experimentation. You could get so much out of making a certain type of art, either just for practice and exploration or because you want to make a complete shift in your work. ANYWAYS. Beksinski. In the late 90's up until his death he began to experiment with digital art, making what I might call digital collages. They are cool, weird, highly experimental, and very clearly follow the style of everything he had made before. They contain bastardized versions of the human form, architecture, and disgustingly familiar and desolate landscapes. It's great.
Even though he was working on those, he didn't stop painting. People all too often act like you can do only one thing, which is annoys me greatly. It also touches on my general hatred that people have developed these feelings that artists owe them work, that when they drift in a direction you don't like it is a personal offence. That when they don't finish a project they are failures or disappointments -neglecting the human behind the work.
Once again I am shaking everything up… The most recent version of this site was made to fit into the bounds and expectations of a school project, which meant that it was a little limited artistically. I also didn't have enough time to work on specialty assets for everything, leading to a bit of a bland look. I've reworked it again, and hope that some of my personality is finally beginning to show through on this site. I'm sure I'll change it up again soon enough though lol.
The last big bit I want to create is a secondary site housing Uli-Ulle. I want to make tabs for narrative projects, concept art collections, sketches, characters, etc etc. Just a little offshoot to keep things organized. I also want to redo the art/drawings tab, and this will create enough of a mix-up in that that I should do it anyways.
I picked up some books today. Trying to get educated haha. I didn't buy all of them, nabbed some from a little free library near me. Also I didn't buy any of them. My mah did because she's so cheesed to have me back for spring break, and also she's an ex-english major and is just happy I know how to read.
I've been thinking about adding a library/book review section to this site. About a year or two back I started writing little personal reviews about comics I had read, so I might shove some of those up here, and make some more. I've actually been reading novels over the past year and a half, so I could try and write those up and force everyone to read my two cents. Haha.
I've felt largely adrift after finishing my art book (add link). I've been trying to *do something with it*, realizing the my ideas and concepts into another medium. Generally comics, or some other type of narrative work… but nothing has really worked. I haven't gotten much of anything done, and have been dropping projects quickly when I realize that my focus doesn't sit with them really. When I realize that I don't care much for anything besides making the concepts, that the realization of ideas isn't really what I want.
Which has got me thinking: why don't I just keep reworking the artbook. There were already parts I was unsatisfied with due to my improvement over making it, so why not do it again. Talk about what I learned, and talk about what I'm doing and my ideas. Add in sections that cover Norilsk and Lake Baikal, and maybe, just maybe, this work will help me get into another college.
So, I've been having doubts about staying at my current college. I am currently attending a public state school to get my BFA, and I'm realizing that this program is not challenging enough for me. Which sucks! I also lowkey hate the city and hate it's people; a lot of people don't have enough drive or ambition and it makes me sad. I need to be challenged, I need to make connections, and I need to reach my fullest potential… and I don't think I'll get that here.
I've had to start looking at art colleges now though, as I think (or, was hoping) that they would have the potential to push me… but there's two issues with them.
This one is more minor… but going to an Actual Art School(™) would involve me going far from home, either to the LA area where all the west coast art schools are, or all the way to the east coast. This aspect of moving so far away prevented me from searching out any art schools my first time around applying to colleges, and it is just a hurdle I have to cross. It scares me, if I'm being honest. I already miss my friends so much and being away from them, and they are an easy plane ride or car trip away, LA would actually be closer, but the east coast (which may have better offerings) would make it so hard to interact with them in person.
The east coast has better offerings, and would allow me to get my foot in the door into moving away from the west coast. I love where I'm from… but it would be so hard to live here. It's expensive, and the job offerings are not great within my desired field (concept art). I could have a good life over there, and could get a half-decent job out of college… it would just involve missing out on my friends for a couple of years.
LA would be better socially, as I would only be a couple of hour drive away from my friends… but I could never see myself living there for long, which may happen if I get a job there and have to think about settling in for a couple of years outside of college. Yes I could move inevitably, but it would be harder and would involve lengthier, janker networking. Still doable I am just dramatic
Speaking of driving, I could definitely have a car if I was in LA, as compared to NY. I know it's not the only city with a college, but it is the main one
I have been warned by some of my friends who are either in art college -or have been- that many of my problems are still very much present within them. Many people still do not care about their work, and many of the curriculums still are not intense as what I am looking for. This is a shame, and worries me. I have the opportunity to go to college without paying, so at least the cost issue is out of the way… but I don't want to waste my time
Look, I don't think I'll be able to find some magic bullet college that will give me everything I need and more… but I'm hoping I'll be able to find something somehow that will fulfil my needs, challenge me, and get me talking to the people I need to start working as an industry artist.
Nothing big or intersting has been happening ing in my life recently. I've been in final project hell for about the last week. Everything is due by Friday, so I should have a break until my one and only final.
Someone gave me a USB drive today!