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I am returning from a trip to visit my friends today. It feels weird, the trip was weird, but good. Not everyone was around this year, and it felt… empty. That doesn't detract from the people I got to hang out with and the memories I made but, I'm slightly unfulfilled. I would be sad if it weren't for the fact that I was moving here in two weeks. I feel detached from the two weeks, like they barely happened. But I have time to make memories, to experience new things. It's really weird, I've haven't lived near friends in years.
It's a weird a new and different closeness and I think part of that scares me, or makes me nervous. I'm scared of hurting people, I'm scared of not being able to hurt them. I can't self destruct, I have to oblige to the laws and rules of polite society. My secrets become more limited, and so does my freedom.
All traded for a better life.
I'm scared. Or maybe I think I should feel scared, and there's just an empty hole where the feeling should belong. I developed a fear of the ocean when watching an episode of Adventure Time as a child - the idea and lie of fear pasted itself over and over itself until it was solidified as something real within my own head. I'm not really scared of the ocean, and yet every time I am in it I fear I will be drowned.
So maybe it is just the implication of feeling; my fear regarding everything that could be.
I have a fourth expression where I pull the lower sides of my mouth down harshly with the muscles in my neck. I adapted it from copying my father, realizing it was a symbol of displeasure. Two summers ago I picked up the habit of scratching my neck in contemplation as to imitate the manga depiction of Legoshi Beastars, and wouldn't stop until I developed a rash. My friend shakes her hand when thinking, and I would leave my trips forcing myself to not imitate the motion because I was afraid of what copying may look like.
I am a ramshackle facsimile of everything other people are.
Running a blog is a weird concept for me. I'm not a particular open person with my deep and personal thoughts, and I have even begin to feel and see myself drawing away from friends more and more these days. It's not that I don't want to open up to them, it's that it just feels weirdly hard lately. The words get caught in my throat or the anxiety over being known takes over. Or I just stress and fear sharing some recent events in my life.
Blogs can help by feeling very impersonal - the people who are going to be reading this most likely do not know me, and I am cool with that. But I worry over sharing too many of my deepest and most personal thoughts. They get bad.
I was a book recently called Twenty Days of Turin, whose story centers around this enigmatic library that was destroyed 10 years ago. The library contained personal diaries, memos, manifestos, you name it. On first glance it sounds like something wich would theoretically solve my problems, but the whole library would inevitably turn into a cesspool of violence and nothingness as people attempt to dig deep or make up the most horrifying desires, histories, stories, what have you. It becomes false and disgusting, and maybe that's just what online forums are. Base anonymity, baseless claims.
It conceptually reminds me of digging through the Cannibal Cafe, but the book fucking sucks. The narrator is such a loser, and nothing even happens or gets done. Don't read that book.
Running a blog is a weird concept for me. I'm not a particular open person with my deep and personal thoughts, and I have even begin to feel and see myself drawing away from friends more and more these days. It's not that I don't want to open up to them, it's that it just feels weirdly hard lately. The words get caught in my throat or the anxiety over being known takes over. Or I just stress and fear sharing some recent events in my life.
Blogs can help by feeling very impersonal - the people who are going to be reading this most likely do not know me, and I am cool with that. But I worry over sharing too many of my deepest and most personal thoughts. They get bad.
I was a book recently called Twenty Days of Turin, whose story centers around this enigmatic library that was destroyed 10 years ago. The library contained personal diaries, memos, manifestos, you name it. On first glance it sounds like something wich would theoretically solve my problems, but the whole library would inevitably turn into a cesspool of violence and nothingness as people attempt to dig deep or make up the most horrifying desires, histories, stories, what have you. It becomes false and disgusting, and maybe that's just what online forums are. Base anonymity, baseless claims.
It conceptually reminds me of digging through the Cannibal Cafe, but the book fucking sucks. The narrator is such a loser, and nothing even happens or gets done. Don't read that book.
Built a new computer. Sorry for my long absence, but I was neglecting this site due to trying to take on too many tass regarding its creation and formation at once. I wasn't building a solid enough core, and instead have been trying to create a large, interconnected web of sub-sites without considering that that is awful to do. Lol.
Anyways, the new computer. I wanted something smaller form factor, and just went with the fractal terra case because everyone loves it these days. I can see why. It is honestly incredibly easy to build in even as someone who has only ever previously made computers unsuccessfully. Also it's pretty, and doesn't thermal throttle even with decently high-end if not new parts. My beautiful machine- she is a quarter of the size of my retired computer.
I'm stressed a lot for how my life will pan out, mostly regarding finding work. It's hard to deny that I'm skilled, I've worked for the better part of the past 4 years to get to this level, but I'm always scared about how I'll find the right application.
I know a lot of my skill lies in environmental design. I can make a very pleasing setting, with realistic architecture and convincing nature. Beyond that, I can illustrate well, telling solid stories through my drawings.
But I don't always know where to turn, who to show my work to, who will help jumpstart my career. My mah wants me to take architecture classes, learning sketchup and CAD so I can help her in her own field, and my dad is always trying to connect me to successful creatives I know. And yet I am still stressed at the idea of reaching out, but I want to and need to. Money is vital these days, and I want independence. Oh well.
I guess I'm waiting still for someone to take me out of this, and the crushing weight that that someone is only me.
Maybe part of this comes from my affinity to be constantly unsettled: If my location keeps shifting, if my affinities keep shiting, I don't have enough time to actually sit down, take roots, and rest. I don't have to carry out any obligations to the people around me, because I know that in a year or twos time, they will be replaced by someone new.
I never have to be part of something more than myself; my expectations are kept low and my possibilities endless. I could pack up and leave now if I wanted, just due to the sheer disconnect I have, due to my general lack of community.
The friends are have are not constant positions either… I don't think they should be, but it puts us all on some kind of level ground. Except I still feel a lot further than they seem to each other. Oh well. I'll find somewhere.
My mah sent me a video of my grandfather recently. It's nothing special, just a minute long segment that focuses more on my grandmother than anything. He barely acknowledges the camera, only pointing it out for my grandmother to look into.
He died years before I was born and that crushes me, a little. I'll never know this man who meant so much to my family, I'll never know his voice. I tried to pick it out of the melange of sound from the video, but ended up getting only a glance.
I think a lot about not wanting/ being able to have children. I feel a little bit of guilt of ending something that man help to form. I wish I knew him.
In that short segment I pick apart the ethics and feelings connected to ever movement he makes, ever glance my grandmother passes. Because I didn't know him, I try to shape a whole person from fleeting clips; scrutinizing them and coming away… miserable. I can't get a full picture, and it feel like this tiny clip can only fail me. I want him to turn to me and give me an answer, say the exact words I need to make it all make sense, to make it all ok… but they never come.
I had a horribly eventful week this week. So, monday, my bag is stolen out of the gym. That sucks, nothing in it was very valuable but it had my nearly-full sketchbook and my laptop that I need to do my classes. Really bad. So I spend most of the week suffering over that, calling people, trying to find it, recording my stolen stuff
Then on Wednesday when I'm checking the gym once again to see if they've found it… they have it. No explanation no reason. Nothin. Whatever, I don't look a gift horse in the mouth, I have my shit back
Anyways, I noticed on Tuesday that my allergies were extra bad. Turns out it wasn't allergies, I was just sick. I power through class on Wednesday and somehow Thursday, don't have any on Friday so I dodged a bullet. Thursday and Friday I am sick as a dog, really just suffering through it.
Anyways. Shitty week. Next one will be better… I had to drop a class because of the stolen laptop (can't un-drop it once I got it back but WHATEVER.) so I will have a lot of free time for the rest of the semester to do my random side projects, including further fleshing out this website. Cool
I went out and bought myself a shitty little point-and-shoot camera as a treat. I've never liked taking photographs because taking pictures on the phones feels soulless, so I'm trying to remedy that with this little thing. It's a Sony Cyber-shot DSC-P71, was manufactured 23 years ago, and is in ridiculously good condition. It can take about 47 photos before I need to upload them to my computer, and they're decent quality. I like the way they look… I just need to get better at holding my camera steady because some of them came out a little blurry.
Included before is a few I like. I may throw together a photography section of this site.
Well, college has officially been back in session for an entire week. One of ten done. My schedule feels very manageable this semester -I am a freshman so I'm mostly doing pretty basic introductory courses or my GEs. I have a decent bit of reading to do between sociology, anthropology, and art history, but I like those subjects and like academic reading so it's all alright. I only have one art course this semester, but I like the prof and she seems to like me so it should be fine
I'm hoping that I will have enough time/drive to work on my personal practice this semester. I am always so scared that my focus is slipping, and while college is helping my art grow and develop, I feel like I don't do enough art between my classes and personal time. I know I just need to push through it a bit more and focus, as well as making sure I stick to my practice. I just wish I could fully dedicate myself to art, but oh well, maybe later when I switch school.
Below is attached something I had to do for my Drawing I course
I recently got into a conversation about Beksinski, how much I love his photography and paintings, and I slowly drifted towards thinking about his 3D art. I've never heard much of anything good about it from other people. They either don't like it, think it is weird, garish, whatever. They like his paintings more and that sucks.
It gets me thinking about artist-consumer relationships in general, and the negative association people (and algorithms) have with experimentation. You could get so much out of making a certain type of art, either just for practice and exploration or because you want to make a complete shift in your work. ANYWAYS. Beksinski. In the late 90's up until his death he began to experiment with digital art, making what I might call digital collages. They are cool, weird, highly experimental, and very clearly follow the style of everything he had made before. They contain bastardized versions of the human form, architecture, and disgustingly familiar and desolate landscapes. It's great.
Even though he was working on those, he didn't stop painting. People all too often act like you can do only one thing, which is annoys me greatly. It also touches on my general hatred that people have developed these feelings that artists owe them work, that when they drift in a direction you don't like it is a personal offence. That when they don't finish a project they are failures or disappointments -neglecting the human behind the work.
Once again I am shaking everything up… The most recent version of this site was made to fit into the bounds and expectations of a school project, which meant that it was a little limited artistically. I also didn't have enough time to work on specialty assets for everything, leading to a bit of a bland look. I've reworked it again, and hope that some of my personality is finally beginning to show through on this site. I'm sure I'll change it up again soon enough though lol.
The last big bit I want to create is a secondary site housing Uli-Ulle. I want to make tabs for narrative projects, concept art collections, sketches, characters, etc etc. Just a little offshoot to keep things organized. I also want to redo the art/drawings tab, and this will create enough of a mix-up in that that I should do it anyways.
I picked up some books today. Trying to get educated haha. I didn't buy all of them, nabbed some from a little free library near me. Also I didn't buy any of them. My mah did because she's so cheesed to have me back for spring break, and also she's an ex-english major and is just happy I know how to read.
I've been thinking about adding a library/book review section to this site. About a year or two back I started writing little personal reviews about comics I had read, so I might shove some of those up here, and make some more. I've actually been reading novels over the past year and a half, so I could try and write those up and force everyone to read my two cents. Haha.
I've felt largely adrift after finishing my art book (add link). I've been trying to *do something with it*, realizing the my ideas and concepts into another medium. Generally comics, or some other type of narrative work… but nothing has really worked. I haven't gotten much of anything done, and have been dropping projects quickly when I realize that my focus doesn't sit with them really. When I realize that I don't care much for anything besides making the concepts, that the realization of ideas isn't really what I want.
Which has got me thinking: why don't I just keep reworking the artbook. There were already parts I was unsatisfied with due to my improvement over making it, so why not do it again. Talk about what I learned, and talk about what I'm doing and my ideas. Add in sections that cover Norilsk and Lake Baikal, and maybe, just maybe, this work will help me get into another college.
So, I've been having doubts about staying at my current college. I am currently attending a public state school to get my BFA, and I'm realizing that this program is not challenging enough for me. Which sucks! I also lowkey hate the city and hate it's people; a lot of people don't have enough drive or ambition and it makes me sad. I need to be challenged, I need to make connections, and I need to reach my fullest potential… and I don't think I'll get that here.
I've had to start looking at art colleges now though, as I think (or, was hoping) that they would have the potential to push me… but there's two issues with them.
This one is more minor… but going to an Actual Art School(™) would involve me going far from home, either to the LA area where all the west coast art schools are, or all the way to the east coast. This aspect of moving so far away prevented me from searching out any art schools my first time around applying to colleges, and it is just a hurdle I have to cross. It scares me, if I'm being honest. I already miss my friends so much and being away from them, and they are an easy plane ride or car trip away, LA would actually be closer, but the east coast (which may have better offerings) would make it so hard to interact with them in person.
The east coast has better offerings, and would allow me to get my foot in the door into moving away from the west coast. I love where I'm from… but it would be so hard to live here. It's expensive, and the job offerings are not great within my desired field (concept art). I could have a good life over there, and could get a half-decent job out of college… it would just involve missing out on my friends for a couple of years.
LA would be better socially, as I would only be a couple of hour drive away from my friends… but I could never see myself living there for long, which may happen if I get a job there and have to think about settling in for a couple of years outside of college. Yes I could move inevitably, but it would be harder and would involve lengthier, janker networking. Still doable I am just dramatic
Speaking of driving, I could definitely have a car if I was in LA, as compared to NY. I know it's not the only city with a college, but it is the main one
I have been warned by some of my friends who are either in art college -or have been- that many of my problems are still very much present within them. Many people still do not care about their work, and many of the curriculums still are not intense as what I am looking for. This is a shame, and worries me. I have the opportunity to go to college without paying, so at least the cost issue is out of the way… but I don't want to waste my time
Look, I don't think I'll be able to find some magic bullet college that will give me everything I need and more… but I'm hoping I'll be able to find something somehow that will fulfil my needs, challenge me, and get me talking to the people I need to start working as an industry artist.
Nothing big or intersting has been happening ing in my life recently. I've been in final project hell for about the last week. Everything is due by Friday, so I should have a break until my one and only final.
Someone gave me a USB drive today!